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| Some people live their lives asking,
What if?
I've never been that person and I never will be.
Heart, then head, then hands.
Make your Life your dreams and fantasies.
This is the only dance we get.
But Life has taught me that occasionally,
Rarely,
It's better to leave that question alone.
The sacrifice of the moment on the alter of Love.
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| "When our memories outweigh our dreams,
We become old."
-- President Bill Clinton, December 31, 1999
Where is the line between discrete disclosure and sins of omission?
Am I my past or am I the culmination of the lessons learned?
Do I share the raw paints and the source of those colors with each observer
Or just the final portrait?
If I show you the picture and don't disclose the source,
Does it make the picture a lie?
I don't know.
I have no experience in this.
Why this need to share each story behind each scar?
Who I was,
Who I want to be,
Who I am and always will be.
Separate and connected facets of a beautiful and complex Life.
A Life with mistakes and lessons learned.
A Life of patterns.
A Life of Joy and dancing in the sun.
A Life with dark corners hidden.
Regret is the bitterest emotion,
And the one we have the most to learn from.
Regret has been the theme this year.
While we are all capable of it to some degree,
I do not want to be a liar.
Sins of commission,
Sins of omission.
The next time I give my heart,
I pray will be the last.
I have prayed this prayer before.
This is why I will be slow to commit.
Not because I'm not serious,
But because I am.
We are all looking for acceptance.
I continue to ask for understanding and wisdom.
But I am doing the work necessary
To find that acceptance within myself.
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| Life is good and I'm doing very well these days.
So much of the emotional darkness I traveled thru this year is behind me now and only the lessons to be learned remain. I didn't think I'd be here before Christmas, but apparently I am. The new job and the self esteem boost that came with it helped so much. I love bouncing into patient's rooms and doing my best to bring a smile. I'm happy at the bedside. It used to be when people would ask me why I didn't become a doctor I'd go into a long explanation, now I just think, because being a nurse is so awesome.
Because Real Life took so much effort this year, Virtual Life in the Silver Box (Xanga, Twitter, Facebook, emails) has taken a distant back seat to the physical world around me. You would think that being alone would drive me into my virtual friendships more, but for the most part, it hasn't.
I tend my orchid now,
And that is enough.
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| See this picture?
This is me these days.
It's cold and rainy here.
The trumpet vines are going into their winter hibernation,
Taking a break from their plot to overtake my yard.
The fall colors are gone and the grey of winter comes.
The pansies are planted, and despite the cold, rain, and wind,
They bloom.
I feel like I'm hunkering down now.
Cocooning with myself.
Saying goodbye to a younger larval stage.
Saying hello to something new.
All of the self confidence and joy that has always been a hallmark in my Life,
Seems so distant now.
I just feel like a flower in the cold wind.
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